Is it Empathy, Compassion, or Projection?

Introduction

Emotional intelligence (EI or EQ) is defined as the ability to identify, understand and manage your own and other's emotions. Although research on emotional intelligence is sometimes contradicting and still developing, I believe that distinguishing between similar, yet distinct emotions can be advantageous in our quest for managing ourselves and others more effectively. To help and assist us in managing our relationships, this article aims to clarify the frequently misunderstood concepts of empathy and compassion, highlighting their potential benefits and drawbacks.

Empathy

When researcher's investigated empathy through neuroimaging and survey studies, they noticed that there are two distinct forms of empathy, namely, emotional empathy, which is often called sympathy, and cognitive empathy which is also called perspective taking.

Emotional empathy allows us to feel the emotions another person is experiencing, giving us a direct, visceral sense of what they are going through. For example, if a friend vents about a co-worker you already dislike, their agitation can stir similar feelings in you, even if you weren’t involved in the incident. In this way, emotional empathy transmits their frustration into your own emotional state.

Contrasting this, cognitive empathy involves understanding what someone might be feeling without personally sharing those emotions. It often comes into play when someone’s experience is outside your own frame of reference. For instance, a colleague might express the strain of balancing work and family responsibilities. If you are unmarried and without children, you may not feel their frustration yourself, but you can still grasp what that frustration might be like for them.

It’s important not to confuse cognitive empathy with projection. Projection is imagining how you would feel in their place. Projection assumes others share your preferences and perspectives, which can lead to misguided actions. For example, if you plan a birthday party for a friend based solely on what you would enjoy, say, choosing a chocolate cake because it’s your favourite, then you’re projecting, not empathising. True empathy means imagining what they would enjoy, based on their unique interests and personality. Below is a catchphrase that can be used as an easy way to remember the difference:

Don’t treat people the way you want to be treated, rather, treat them the way they want to be treated.

The benefits of empathy

Empathy’s primary benefit lies in its power to foster genuine connection between people through shared experiences. It enables us to humanise others, recognising the universal emotions, challenges, and life events that transcend background or circumstance. Without empathy, accommodating others would be far more difficult. For instance, we might struggle to appreciate the importance of adjusting work hours for a colleague navigating a divorce. Yet, because we can imagine the hardships they may be facing, we are more inclined to respond with kindness. Such kindness makes forgiveness and flexibility more likely, strengthening our relationships. It is no surprise, then, that psychologists and researchers have long focused on developing empathy as a means of creating more harmonious relationships, both at home and in the workplace. However, empathy is not without its challenges, its tendency to blur boundaries can introduce significant complications.

The drawbacks of empathy

Drawing on the earlier examples of empathy, it becomes clear that too much empathy can lead to behaviours that harm rather than strengthen our relationships.

Excess emotional empathy can overwhelm us with another person’s distress, making us less effective in helping them. Imagine a doctor who physically feels a patient’s pain when setting a broken bone. Such intensity could hinder their ability to act. In addition, it may lead to avoidance of important but uncomfortable situations. For instance, if you dislike upsetting others, you might sidestep difficult yet necessary conversations.

Cognitive empathy, while less emotionally taxing, can also be problematic when misapplied. It can encourage us to excuse harmful behaviour. Think of the times you’ve heard, “They were just having a bad day” after someone loses their temper. It can also create opportunities for manipulation, particularly when emotional empathy is absent. Psychopathic personalities, for example, can accurately read others’ needs and desires yet exploit this knowledge without remorse, as they lack the ability to feel their victims’ distress.

Perhaps the greatest pitfall of empathy is its selectivity. People often reserve empathy for one group at the expense of another. The selective nature of empathy is rooted in evolutionary needs. Having empathy for the animals we slaughter would not have been beneficial for our survival. Unfortunately, we may also empathise with members of our own group while withholding it from outsiders. In a corporate setting, this selectivity can fuel an in-group mentality that vilifies the “other.” As noted earlier, if colleagues, through empathy, bond over complaints about someone they dislike, this shared grievance can reinforce negative views rather than foster an emotionally balanced perspective. Over time, we may lose empathy altogether for those we find difficult.

Ultimately, the core challenge with empathy is its tendency to blur boundaries, creating situations where forgiveness and compromise can be taken advantage of, or where negative and destructive emotions can be introjected. In response, researchers and psychologists have increasingly turned their focus toward compassion, a related concept that preserves the benefits of empathy while avoiding many of its pitfalls.

Compassion

The definition of compassion is not yet as clearly established or universally agreed upon as that of empathy. However, emerging research suggests that compassion is neurologically distinct from empathy, activating different regions of the brain. In short:

Compassionate action stems from a motivational state aimed at improving the wellbeing of both self and others.

While this definition sounds simple, it can be challenging in practice. Unlike empathy, which often focuses on the comfort of a single individual or group, compassion seeks the overall wellbeing of everyone involved. This sometimes means taking a more confrontational stance than empathy alone would encourage. Compassion can be viewed as an extension of empathy. At its core, compassion is empathy with boundaries. It says, “I understand, and there are still consequences for this behaviour.”  It requires a strong sense of self and the courage to act according to one’s values.

For example, if a colleague yells at another employee for missing a deadline, you may empathise with their frustration but still proceed with disciplinary action. In fact, disciplinary action might be the most compassionate choice. It deters similar behaviour in the future, it protects the company, and perhaps it even helps the transgressor by preventing further career damaging outbursts. However, before taking such steps, it is essential to examine your own motivations and emotions:

• Are you acting out of vengeance?

• Are you overly influenced by emotional empathy, seeing only the victim’s perspective?

• Do you still have the respect and dignity of the transgressor in mind?

• Are you afraid to take action due to the discomfort you may feel in doing so?

A truly compassionate action may involve discipline, but it is not punitive. Its goal is the balanced wellbeing of all parties, including the person at fault. It is firm, fair, and grounded in respect rather than retaliation. It requires the ability to sit with intense negative emotions; from within and from others.

Summary

Compassionate action can counterbalance the one-sided nature of empathy. It calls for stepping back from immediate emotional reactions and committing to the wellbeing of everyone involved even those who have caused harm. This approach demands self-reflection, along with the willingness to examine and understand your own motives and emotions. When applied well, compassion strikes a careful balance between firmness and forgiveness.

References

Bloom, P. (2017). Empathy and its discontents. Trends in cognitive sciences, 21(1), 24-31.

Ricard, M. (2018). Altruism: The science and psychology of kindness. Atlantic Books.